I hate hurting people I love.  I do it more than I wish I did, and often, I'm almost oblivious to doing it.  That happened again this weekend with my best friend, and fortunately, he said something.

It really is an annoying trait, but one that I know is real and I can't deny that it plays a part in how I relate (or don't relate well as the case may be) to those I care about in my life.

I'm suck at needing people.

Well, actually I don't suck at needing them, I suck at identifying that and asking for help.

This has been a challenge for me for as long as I can remember.  Even as a kid, I had a strong desire to be independent and to do things on my own.  Often, that drive leads to thinking people might not want to be bothered or that asking for help might inconvenience them.

I've learned it actually takes away connection and distances us from intimacy.  It's especially strange since I know it can feel hurtful not to be allowed to help when someone you care about has a need, or not told about a need that you could have helped address.

Even understanding that, I often default to forgetting to ask for help.

Last week, I found out that I will be needing minor surgery in the next couple weeks.  It's a follow-up to a procedure I had over the summer and should be very routine.  At the same time, it will require full anesthesia and therefore I can't drive myself to and from the hospital.

My immediate thought was that I don't want to have my parents fly over from Seattle for that, and that I would likely just take an Uber or Lyft from the hospital.  I've done that same move before, and it makes sense to me since it doesn't cause anyone to have to change their schedule on a weekday/workday.

I did sense that the woman I'm seeing was a little surprised that I hadn't considered asking someone to be there, and when I told my best friend, he was visibly frustrated that I hadn't asked if he could be my ride service.

He delivered it "jokingly," but when we talked a little further, he did tell me it hurt that I hadn't even asked.

Understood.  I would have been hurt too.

I keep having these moments where I "know" the right answer, but living it is so much more challenging.


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