OPP-Can This Marriage Survive A Grudge?
On Other People's Problems today, a woman did something that hurt her husband. Years, later she found out he still hasn't forgiven her and now he is punishing her. Find out what she did and share your advice.
Dear Mike & Kate,
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and will be married 5 years at the end of August. We both have kids from a previous relationship as well as a 2 year old boy and 10 month old baby girl together. Life was good! Or so I thought... My dilemma today is that I just found out that my husband has been holding a grudge for 4 years, even after he said that he has forgiven me. I am ashamed to say that 2 weeks after we got back from our honeymoon, I don't know why or how I could even do it, but I kissed my ex-husband! Nothing else happened, he didn't reciprocate, he even told me it was wrong.
About a month after this happened, my conscience had been eating up at me & so one day while at work, I texted my husband that we needed to talk later. He wouldn't let it go and wanted to know about what. So I told him about what I had done. He was obviously furious and I kept telling him how sorry I was and that I could understand if he wanted a divorce. He told me he needed time to think about some things and that he's never been through anything like this before so he didn't know how long. During this time, I had a best friend that I could talk to, shoulder to cry on that sort of thing. Apparently they had been talking about our situation and she was reassuring him that I was sorry for what I did and that I deeply regret what I did. He would come home at odd hours and sneak around to my side of the bed & go through my phone. I cried almost all the time that I was sitting at home in bed waiting for him to come home, or while I was on break at work. This went on for about 2 weeks and then we had our talk and he said that he was over it and he had forgiven me for what I had done. Two years later, we had our first child together.
Of course he doesn't agree, but things started to take a turn in our marriage after our 2 year old son was born. The kissing became less and less, no more cuddling while watching the tv in bed, no good bye kiss before he heads off to work, and our "trips to Oklahoma" went from almost every other night to maybe twice in one month. He would go out with his friends on a Friday or Saturday night and just come home whenever the following day. Before it was at least once a month that he would do this, lately it's been almost every weekend. This past weekend is when I really had a sit down with him. He told me not to blame myself, but he still hasn't gotten over what I did. I looked at him, tears pouring down my face and said "it's been 4 years?!" He said that he's been trying but that he just can't bring himself to forgive and forget. I'm so devastated by this! I told him that I gave him the option 4 years ago about what he wanted to do with our marriage. Whether to get a divorce or stay married and he chose to stay married. I love our kids and I don't for one second regret having them, but I told him that I really wish he had re-hashed this with me before we had kids together.
I stay home with the kids and he works so I don't have to and so our kids don't have to go to daycare. His work has been offering overtime, so obviously to pay the bills, he works the overtime. He goes in for his regular shift at work, then works overtime. After work, he goes to the gym and usually on a weekday he doesn't get home till about 9:30-10ish. On a Wednesday, he does all this, plus he goes to school and doesn't come home until about 12-1ish. He also likes to go in on a Saturday and Sunday to get as much overtime as he can get. I'm fine with all this, I'm really glad that he's working so hard for the family, but at the same time, am I being selfish for wanting him to come home at a decent hour when he goes out with his friends?
We had originally agreed that him coming home at about 2 am no later than 3 am is enough time for him. This didn't stick long with him as he mentioned in our conversation on Sunday. He believes that he is a grown man that works all these hours and does so much for the family that he shouldn't have a curfew and that he should be able to stay out with his friends and just come home when ever he wants to. I then told him that yes, he is a grown man that does so much for us and that he is a grown man that has a family that is waiting at home for him. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I told him that there is no such thing as a married man who can just come and go as he pleases.
I asked him how long he needed to think about all this, 2 weeks, a month? Well he answered with a month.
I cry every day and because I cry every day I get headaches, my eyes are puffy, I have dark circles under my eyes, and I'm not sleeping because I'm waiting for him to come home, and my anxiety is through the roof! He advised that I should probably be taking medication for my anxiety at which point I told him I can't because I don't have insurance.
Counseling is not an option as he refuses to talk to a complete stranger about our problems. It's only been four days in to our one month, what ever this is, and I just want to die! At this point the only thing that's helping me through this is our kids and how I don't want them to grow up without a mother. The future of our marriage rests in his hands and there's nothing I can do but sit and wait. I don't want to rush him in his decision, but then again I don't want to wait that long either.
I don't have any one to talk to about this so I'm really just hoping for some advice from your 12 listeners as well as you & Mike.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and should probably end this letter before I start to cry again.