Send up the Bat-Signal (for a good cardiologist).

That’s because I just ate Little Caesars’ latest creation, The Batman Calzony, a vaguely bat-shaped food designed to cross-promote the latest film featuring DC Comics’ Dark Knight Detective. It’s part pizza, part calzone, and entirely shaped like a bat — at least in theory.

See for yourself: Does this look like a bat to you?

Photo By Author
Photo By Author

To me that looks more like a throwing star, one that eliminates its target not with sharp edges but by bludgeoning them into a coma with (according to Little Caesars’ website) 2630 calories and 126 grams of fat. Of course, after you eat it, you’re going to be a little groggy, at which point, it might actually look a little more like a bat.

Here are a few more photos of my Batman Calzony:

I Ate Little Caesars’ The Batman Calzony

In honor of Matt Reeves’ The Batman, Little Caesars has a new item that’s half pizza and half calzone that’s (vaguely) shaped like a bat.

What does any of this have to do with Batman, much less The Batman? That is unclear. It’s hard to imagine Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne, with his chiseled jaw and sinewy physique, pounding down a couple Calzonies in the Batcave after a hard day cleaning up the streets of Gotham City. Colin Farrell’s Penguin looks more like a Calzony man, to be honest. Personally, I wasn’t wild about the calzone part (although the Crazy Sauce® was surprisingly sane and tasty). Still, there are worse things in the world than a Little Caesars pizza — things like the scum of Crime Alley who took Batman’s mother and father! (Look, I’m desperately trying to find some way to tie this back to The Batman, give me a break.)

(Wait! I’ve got one! After you eat The Batman Calzony, you become vengeance — or at least your colon becomes vengeance when you’re laid low with indigestion. How’s that?)

The Little Caesars The Batman Calzony is available now; it costs an alarmingly inexpensive $7.99 plus tax. The Batman movie (Calzony not included) is scheduled to open in theaters on March 4. As for me, I shall continue exploring the outer reaches of movie-related food whenever possible. Look for my next article, same Bat-time, same Bat-website, and likely with the same Bat-heart disease as a result.

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